Dear AT&T,

These past few months we’ve grown apart. In fact, we’ve been in a relationship for the past two years, but it feels much longer. The arrangement has been thus: I use my iPhone and you charge me as much money as you can for the worst service you can get away with. In this respect you have been utterly consistent. I got so used to it. Can I blame you? You were the only one for me. I got my first iphone a few months after it came out. It was shiny and new, and I was full of hope. AT&T, I’m sorry to say this but…I’m leaving you. That’s right, I’m gone. I have been loyal to you, given you thou$ands of dollars, and even stood up for you at times. Alas, you took every opportunity you could to drop my calls, over and over.

These are some pictures I found while moving out.

Our first date: your dad scared the shit out of me.

Forever? For-ever ever?

Remember that time we went to church together?

How’d you get in there? Mnnnnmmm…that’s nice.

I loved you so much. It’s fucking over.

I forgot to pay my bill on time and you suspended my account and charged me late fees (nearly everytime). The thing that makes me so sad : ( is that I tried. I really tried. What else could I have done?? Maybe I should have been easier on you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have used 3g so much? (Did that anger you?) Should our parents have intervened? Your dad Steve has been so quiet these past few years. In fact, he’s only upgraded my iPhone (the reason for our relationship) to such a minimal extent that you barely excite me these days. Where is a reverse facing camera for videochat? Cut and paste? I had to BEG for that. Open access for developers? Maybe I have been blind and you care more about Steve than you do me, your loyal customer. So, I’m leaving you AT&T.

Goodbye.

Sincerely,

-John Birdsong

Ps. If you care where I’m going, I will be taking my unlocked and permanently scarred iphone 3g to t-mobile for a NSA “no strings attached” relationship with unlimited talk text and web for $79.99. I have included a picture of my new girlfriend Catherine Zeta-Jones. : )

That’s right. I’ve been cheating on you.

What do you think of AT&T? I think they suck.

John Birdsong is a producer editor director for Panman Productions. He has more than one favorite color and sometimes he grinds his teeth when he is sleeping. He lives in Brooklyn, NY with his girlfriend Morgan-Jo.